Dusk: Or The Cookie- Cutter’s Guide to Twilight.

I’m sure millions of bloggers around the world have written about Twilight.

Now it’s my turn.

So, I personally have never read the books. I really have no desire to. But, I think I have some of the basic plot points down. So we have:

1. Girl meets mysterious sexy guy.

2. Guy saves girl.

3. Girl falls in love with guy.

4. Girl finds out he’s a MOTHERFUCKING VAMPIRE.

5. Girl finds out he’s a GOOD vampire (drinks animal blood or some crap)

6. Other Vampires hunt the girl (something in her blood?).

7. Sexy good vampire protects girl.

8. Sexy good vampire gets urges to chomp on girl’s neck.

9. Isn’t the wolves or something in this?

Again, let’s assume I’m 100% correct. Can someone tell me how such a dull story became a best seller worldwide? Oh right, teenage girls wanted to bone the Vampire. So we have this Edward Cullen character who is apparently this really attractive guy. And he’s really great too because he doesn’t eat humans. Wait, why would he eat humans?

Because he’s a MOTHERFUCKING VAMPIRE. Is that the only twist we have on this? A good vampire? Because other than the momon describing what a sexy guy Edward is, the plot is extremely mundane. If we take my plot points under consideration, we come up with a simple theme: forbidden love I guess. Encased in a vampire story. But vampires have been around for centuries. Girl falls in love with guy she shouldn’t, puts her life in danger. That’s really what this whole thing is about. It just feels so…cookie-cutter.

A pick elements out of a hat and invent a story line novel. Perhaps I’m totally wrong and the story is really deep. But I can’t believe that when all teenagers go on about Is Edward Cullen.

Nowhere to be seen are the teenage girls saying “What a well thought out and constructed novel. The storyline was marvellous.”

Instead we get, “OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS GAWNA BE MAH BF 4 LYF!” What’s my point? Twilight is bland, unoriginal and boring.

And apparently has the sexiest guy in the world in it. Which brings me to this: considering how cookie cutter the story line is, I’m going to write my own teenage best seller.

It will be about a quiet and shy girl who meets a sexy mysterious boy. His name is Joseph Lipberry. They fall in love. One day while examining some tree she falls and Joseph catches her. But of course, Joseph has a secret. He is, of course, a robot. But that’s OK because Joseph is the most perfect and sexiest robot in the entire world. He looks just like a real man. But a perfect man. Humans of course are the enemies of robots. Joseph however, takes his anger out on animals, so he’s fallen in love with the girl. The other robots however, want her taken down. So it’s Joseph’s job to save her. He will eventually turn her into a robot and they will live happily ever after. There’s also a wolf in it somewhere. Don’t steal my idea, because I’m going to make millions off it. I am a literary genius, you see? It is called: Dusk. That is when the robots wake to feed.

-Will.

Australian Television: Bleak, To Say The Least.

As any Australian with common sense should know, this country is seriously deprived of quality television. To I guess prove this, I’m going to write  an article reviewing current shows on TV. I see this as been informative to the people, and a good way to hone my Journalistic skills (Uni starts in under a month). It shall be up in time.

1000 views! Wait a sec…

Just as my blog reached 1000 views, I find out something upsetting. Two people searched “william hunter sucks” to get to this blog. I am emotionally distraught by this, and thus will retaliate.

NO, YOU SUCK.

And learn to punctuate! Unless you’re someone I know like then you MUST have been joking.

-Will.

Oh crap, I Need My 3rd Cervical Cancer Shot.

Hey people,

Doctor’s Surgeries scare the shit out of me. Why?

They like to advertise their product. And that is?

Fear. All around you in a waiting room they have posters for all these diseases you could have. WATCH OUT FOR THIS. WATCH OUT FOR THAT. And I start to get incredibly paranoid and believe them. So therefore, I’ll probably go and get all the tests they tell me to. But not really. But still, they need to not come on so strong.

There are so many advertisements on the board that “URGENT: FATAL TOXIN RELEASED INTO BRISBANE AIR” will get buried under them asking 60 year old women to get a mammogram. Not that that’s not important or anything.

-Will

Plates and Slaves.

Alright, I know “plates” isn’t the most common word used in the English dictionary. But, there have been instances when I’ve typed it into a text message. I am also an avid user of Nokia’s T9 dictionary. As you probably know, you hit the keys which relate to that word and I’m assuming that the most common word comes up first, then you press through until you find the right word. So attention Nokia users, press the buttons related to the word plates (It’s 752837). What word do you get?

Slaves.

Not trying to be provocative here, but really Nokia? The word slaves is more common than plates? We aren’t even talking about Slave here. This is the plural of Slave. Who has ever needed to write about multiple slaves?

“hey man nt doin mcuh just goin to pik up ma slaves.”

To he honest, I think Nokia is trying to tell us something. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?! Is it slaves? Give me one. I thought this was abolished years ago.

- Will.

I’m so Unoriginal.

I’m the fourth “William Hunter” in my family. My Great Grandfather, Great Uncle, Uncle and me all share the same name. Apparently, we’re not the only ones. I decided to do a google search of your name (as you do). I even put it in quotations to yield results that were only the exact name. I got:

226, 000 hits. And not everyone is on the internet, so who knows how many others are out there. It’s no “John Smith,” which gives you over 4 million hits, but names of people I know don’t even appear in google. Now, THAT is original.

Although I’m glad to be apart of the tradition of the family, I’m just not that unique. Damn.

- The 198,00th Will Hunter.

YOU SUCK KID ROCK!

You want to know why? BECAUSE I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT AT WORK EVERY SHIFT! Your new “song” sucks so many donkey testicles that I would prove it to you, but you’re too busy having your mouth filled with donkey testicles.

The song is annoying. Annoying to the point of throwing the radio through a window. I don’t know what the hell it’s called, but it’s terrible. You have confused the public with people who care about your life of drinking, smoking weed, and rooting copious amounts of women. Three pointers Mr. Rock:

1. Enlighten me, because you live in Michigan, right? Then why the hell are you singing “Sweet Home Alabama” all summer long?! Do you live in Alabama? NO, YOU DON’T. Stupid hippie.

2. The tune actually is alright. Oh, wait a second, I know why! You STOLE (I don’t care if you paid royalties, I consider it stealing) THE TUNE OF “SWEET HOME ALABAMA”! (You should have called the song “Sweet HOMO Alabama!) And some other song, but I don’t know it so I will let you off the hook. But the people who know that song won’t.

3. You’re full of shit.

I think if you correct these three errors with your song, it may be better. Ever so slightly. Actually, I take that back. There is no way you could create a better song than this. You know that, which is why you stole well known tunes. Asshole.

- Will

Who Watches the Watchmen?

I don’t know. I guess I do…by that I mean I read “Watchmen,” the graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. I know I’m not the first person to say this, and I certainly won’t be the last. But, holy shit. What an amazing read. An in, seriously. The depth at which every single character entailed in those pages is explored is brilliant. The psyche of these characters is so deeply explored it astounded me. If you don’t know (and you might not) Watchmen is about a group of Superheroes in 1985(or Vigilantes, since only one of the characters has what could be defined as a “Superpower.” And he is immortal. Funny that) who have been forced to retire. The death of one of them sets off a chain of events which could “change the course of history.” Holy shit, they got that one right.

The whole story surrounds the deep and dark flaws and pasts that these characters have (Rorschach in particular. He is one disturbed vigilante. And The Comedian. You just gasp at some of his horrific actions) and the implications such a life had on them, and why in fact they decided to do what they did (Running around New York city saving people in silly costumes.). History, as a result of their presence, has altered history. For example, Nixon is still president, the yanks won the Vietnam War, and USA and the Soviets are inches away from starting a nuclear war (So close, that construction of fallout shelters begins during the novel.).

The story is interesting, completely engaging and gripping. The way everything plays out is quite interesting, all the way up until the end. And, the ending. I won’t give anything away, but when I first read it I thought it was just ridiculous. Then, I thought about it for a while and realized why the perpetrator (Telling you that would ruin the story) did what he did. Despite such an obscure and unorthodox way to do it, it made perfect sense. And whether the actions were justified really does make for an interesting debate on the morality of it all, sacrificing one to save many. (another central theme which runs through the entire duration of the novel.).

However, when it comes down to it, the story belongs to the characters. And how each of them explored, and their (mainly) dark back stories. It is not a happy story; you have to wonder about the affects that their lives have had on their relationships with people, and their mental health. The careless Doctor Manhattan, the truly mentally disturbed Rorschach, the bastard The Comedian (it isn’t a spoiler to tell you he is the death at the start. It happens in the first few panels.), the kind hearted Nite Owl, the list goes on. There is a lot of depth to go into with these characters, but I don’t really have the time. I just urge you, if you are like this, to forget this is a comic book. It is simply a wonderful piece of literature that I believe should be read by all.

Reading the novel (in about 2 days, mind you.) has made me extremely excited about the movie. I really think that Zack Synder can pull this one off. But I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I’ll leave you all with the trailer if you haven’t seen it yet.

Until next time.

- Will

I’m Back…With Some (New) Material!

Ladies and Gents,

It’s been a while (again). But, in my blogging absence, I worked on another piece of literary genius. That I will post here, in parts. It shall keep this brilliant blog active. Without further ado, I present:

The Douchebag’s Guide to Scams

Scam, you say? Why sir, they have been around for hundreds of years! That they have, my wise friend. Scams are nature’s way of beating the living hell through the little guy. That guy who is on the down and out and no where to go. So what does he do? He entrusts shady characters, opting for the get rich quick scheme. Who wouldn’t? I love shady characters. The problem is, shady characters are just that: shady. If there’s one thing I have deduced from all this it’s that scammers like money. They REALLY like money. So they take it from people. And then they have a brain. They use this brain to figure out ways to take money from people who lack this brain power. Yes, I have worked out the criminal mind of a scammer.

Why you (and I) are Douchebags

But let’s face it. You’ve been scammed. I’ve been scammed. Were you promised 5 dollars to lick the dog faeces that had been sitting on the pavement for so long it had gone white, only to have the big guy that already has armpit hair not cough up the dough? That, in my opinion, is a scam. So now that you realized the 500 times you have been scammed over the course of your life, let’s look at the big one’s which seriously affect people’s lives, (Unless you contracted a serious illness from that dog poo. Who on Earth knows where that dog had been? If this is the case, I apologize for bringing back painful memories) why they do it, and how jackasses manage to get fooled by them.

There you have it people. There’s more to come. A LOT more. Stay tuned. Until next time…whenever that will be.

-William IV

Damn Flags!

This is Will broadcasting out to my listeners from the Will Cave. How we all doing out there? That’s great.

Eh, who’s played Minesweeper Flags? If you haven’t, the game involves minesweeper, but with a twist. Instead of avoiding the mines, you are in fact LOCATING them. It’s pretty trippy stuff, and you can play it on MSN Messenger.

And recently, Claire and I have become deeply invested in the game. We play quite regularly. And sadly, she beats me just as regularly. That sucks because I used to think I was pretty good at it.

(Déjà vu? She destroyed my GH crown! (And my pride along with it.))

But the game, while partially skill based has a heavy reliance on luck. And this is where I fault and Claire does quite well in. I’ve convinced myself that this game must love her or something (Hmm…) because seriously, there’s no way someone can just be that lucky. Take for instance, tonight’s game. She makes the first move and opens up many mine opportunities for myself. I take all of these, and the score is 11-0!

Then what happens? After 1 random click on the board, I open up a BIGGER area where mines can easily be found, and the score in about 2 moves becomes roughly 11- 15! What the hell?! This was no fault of my own; I clicked a random area! It’s completely, quite frankly, BS.

When you read this Claire know that I will beat you again. That day will come. And when it does, I will be singing it from the rafters, if such a rafter can be located. I refuse to call it skill.

- Willim!a (For every game she can beat me in, there’s a name she cannot spell. OH SNAP!)